


stuck in between a nightmare and lost dreams

by nodream_nopurpose



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, also i invented ashton's dad/s, calum loves ashton, calum writes most of broken home, mentions of ashton's familial issues, mentions of london symphony orchestra, mentions of the boys' families - Freeform, michael and luke are in a secret relationship, sad!Ashton, so much tags lolz sorry, sounds live feels live, whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 20:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5389547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nodream_nopurpose/pseuds/nodream_nopurpose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Calum writes Ashton a song for their second album, all because of that one night when Ashton got drunk and talked about his family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stuck in between a nightmare and lost dreams

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea why i even wrote this. all i know is that this seemed like a brilliant idea to me.
> 
> it took me like, three or four days to finish this, all 13/14k of this. i blame school and laziness and semi writer's block.

“Wanna get pissed-drunk?” Ashton asks Calum inside his room after a day of writing. Calum looks up in surprise, and his heart flutters when he sees the curly drummer by his doorframe in what he mentally claims as surprise. Calum didn’t even realize it was nighttime already.

But, this is weird. Usually Ashton wasn’t one to get _pissed-drunk_ , so what’s this?

“I-What?” Calum asks, eyebrows raised in confusion.

“Wanna get pissed-drunk?” Ashton asks once again, more audible this time as he closes the door behind him with a soft click. “Michael and Luke went out to play bowling, so we have the whole house to ourselves. I bought some booze already, so you can’t refuse, coz I’ve done it,” he explains with a little laugh, and Calum will deny how his heart fluttered _again_.

Michael and Luke are outside, and Calum gets to have all the time with his best friend, jeez this is amazing.

“Okay then.” Calum grins, jumping off his bed and walking towards Ashton. The both of them exit the room and head downstairs, and Calum is unable to stop himself from asking, “What’s gotten into you? You usually hate being ‘pissed-drunk’.”

He sees Ashton shrug and they reach the bottom of the stairs. Ashton looks at him and smiles a tight-lipped smile, saying, “I just want to forget about everything for once. Songwriting exhausted me.” And he turns around and heads to the living room or the fridge to get the beer, Calum assumes.

Luke and Ashton had gone out today for songwriting with the Madden brothers and Feldy. Those three are the best people, so what about it has Ashton want to drink?

Calum locks the thought in the back of his mind when he sees the _many_ bottles and cans Ashton has placed on the living room table, with some music on for entertainment. He hears Ashton laugh, probably because of the awestruck look in his face right now, and Calum laughs along with the blonde because his laugh is beautiful and fucking contagious.

He and Ashton sit on the couch with a bit of a slump, and Ashton grabs a bottle of tequila, pouring a glass for himself. Calum subtly raises a brow at this, but says nothing, wanting to go slow and opening a beer can.

“How was writing with Duran Duran some time ago? I forgot to ask you that,” Ashton says after taking three long gulps from the glass, and Calum is immediately hit with the smell of tequila. Again, he senses that there might be something… _off_ going on with his best friend, but he doesn’t comment, thinking that it will be talked about later on.

“It was real great, actually.” Calum replies, putting his already half-full beer can on the table. “They’re really fun to be with, the thing we’ve written was a sample from one of their songs.”

“Oh? And that is?”

“Hungry Like the Wolf.”

“Oh,” is all Ashton says, and he finishes, _finishes_ his glass of tequila and is already filling up another one. “Do you...Do you think that would be okay? Like, what if we—”

Calum already senses what he’s about to say, so he cuts him off, saying, “It’s a sample, they said. They were the ones who came up with the idea, actually. That it’s alright and stuff.” He finishes his can and decides to pour himself some Corona, so he does that.

“Okay then,” Ashton shrugs and drinks from his tequila again. When he puts it down, he inhales and exhales before asking, “Do I get to know what it’s about?”

Calum takes a few sips from his Corona and shrugs indifferently, mumbling, “Just normal stuff, something about how we’re all broke but one day we’re all gonna ‘get some’ and we’re all gonna ‘get paid’.”

Ashton laughs, fucking _laughs_ out loud as if Calum has said the funniest joke ever. He skillfully places his glass down and goes to laugh his curly head off, and Calum does nothing but raise an eyebrow at the weirdness of his best friend but goes to laugh with him again. When Ashton laughs, it’s like hearing angels sing, so Calum is tempted to do it, too. Because he _is_ with an angel.

He won’t say that to Ashton, though. That thought is much better hidden to himself.

Ashton sniffles after two minutes and wheezes, “That sounds like our lives,” before going into little chuckles as he happily drinks on his second glass of tequila.

“I know, oh my god. I feel like it’s gonna be the weakest one if we ever include it in the album.” Calum grumbles, finishing his Corona while Ashton watches him.

“Aw, don’t say that. I bet it’s gonna sound good.” Ashton soothes, going to place an arm around Calum. He freezes under Ashton’s sudden gesture, but relaxes immediately. Ashton’s probably tipsy already, since his words have gone a bit messy and slightly slurred.

“And feel good,” Calum remarks, earning another giggle from the curly-haired blond. Ashton pulls his arm off Calum to finish his glass, going to open a bottle of whiskey, probably leaving the tequila for Calum in case he wants some. Ashton pours a _huge_ amount of whiskey in his glass that even has Calum stopping him. “Hey, you sure you can take that much? I’m not cleaning the floor if you decide to puke all of a sudden.”

Ashton looks up at him and grins manically, and boasts, “C’mon, Cal. You _know_ I can take anything.” He goes to drink his glass of whiskey and he watches Calum in the eye as he did so, as if to prove his point. Ashton ends up closing his eyes, probably because the alcohol’s already getting to his head.

Calum continues to watch him as he whoops, “Oh my _god_ , this is the best drink ever!” And Calum _knows_ something is definitely wrong. Because Ashton’s _eyes._ Even if he’s been sounding his usual chirpy self, his beautiful hazel eyes look so… _Sad_. Like his eyes don’t have that usual glint in them. They look like someone adjusted the brightness of his beautiful hazel eyes, and now they look so gloomy and unexpressive.

Calum finishes his Corona and goes to drink some whiskey, too. He asks Ashton without looking him in the eye, “How was songwriting with Luke, Benji, Joel, and Feldy today?”

He hears Ashton groan in annoyance at that. “God. It was the worst kind of songwriting in my entire life, ever. The song in general sounds so fucking _weak_ ; I don’t even want it to make it to the album. It sucks _that_ bad.”

“What’s it about, then?” Calum asks, looking for his reaction while he pretends to casually drink his whiskey, but the truth is he’s trying to make it seem like he’s being chill about everything and is not curious about Ashton’s aura.

“Money.”

“Illuminati confirmed?” Calum offers jokingly, and Ashton grins at him and laughs weakly. Suddenly, the loud chirpy Ashton disappeared.

“Yeah, something like that.” Ashton says, finishing his whiskey. He slams his glass down and breathes deeply as if composing himself, before filling his glass with the alcohol again. He finishes the entire bottle and looks at Calum and apologizes with his eyes, to which Calum responds with an indifferent shrug.

Calum should be given an award for being a great actor, because behind all this chill façade, he’s slowly freaking out at how his best friend and _angel_ is drinking too fast and too much, like he wants to get drunk and forget everything and never wake up again. It’s lowkey heartbreaking.

“Is that all?” Calum asks slowly, like he was teetering on an iceberg and one slip could lead to Ashton like, breaking or going mad, or something.

Ashton stays quiet and continues to sip on his whiskey, eyes focused on nothing. His face is flushed under the bright lights, he smells like beer, he’s obviously sad, and yet Calum thinks such a person shouldn’t look _this_ beautiful.

“I’m not…” Ashton starts and trails off. “I’m not drunk enough to talk about it, hold on.” With that, he finishes his second glass of whiskey and his…Fourth glass of alcohol? Calum’s already lost count.

Ashton eyes the still half-full Corona and gets it, pouring some in his glass. His glass is already full, but there’s still some left in the bottle, so he drinks straight from the bottle before putting it down and drinking from his glass this time.

Calum watches all of this in silence, and he doesn’t care if Ashton knows he’s watching him. Ashton starts talking when his glass is close to being finished. He puts it down, near the edge of the table, and Calum doesn’t want alcohol to fall on the carpet so he reaches it and pushes it far from the edge.

“They were all talking about their dads.” Was all Ashton said, and Calum visibly freezes, glass mid-air, eyes wide at Ashton, who looked so _crestfallen_ it made Calum’s heart beat slow and bad.

Everyone knew Ashton’s dad left him and his mom since he was a wee little kid, and how he was forced to mature fast and take the father role in the house. He may not confirm it, but Ashton seems to be that child who’s been asked by his preschool, elementary, high school and college classmates the same questions and statements. Over and over.

_“Why don’t you have a dad?”_

_“Where’s your dad?”_

_“Hey, Ashton. What happened to your mom and dad?”_

_“Why do you have a step-dad? Where’s the real one?”_

_“Oh my god, you’re fatherless.”_

Calum doesn’t know this from experience, but he bets being forced to mature fast and not have an older male figure in the house is not something very pleasant. Hell, Calum’s close to hitting twenty, and yet here he is, still acting like a three year-old.

Calum slowly takes his drink and sips a few. He puts it down and slowly mumbles. “How…How was it?”

“They talked like I wasn’t there.” Ashton replied immediately, and Calum doesn’t miss the little sniffle. He hopes it’s because of the beer, and not something else.

“They all said stories of how ‘ _dad did this_ ’ ‘ _dad did that_ ’ ‘ _well, my dad_ ’ ‘ _Andy Hemmings is the best_ ’ ‘ _I remember how my dad_ ’ ‘ _I **miss** my dad_’… It was just. It was—” Ashton rambled before his voice cracked at the end, and he sniffed again, furiously rubbing his eyes and grabbing his Corona. He drinks from it with his eyes all glassy and red, faint tear tracks on his cheeks, face looking so incredibly painful and sad, and yet…

And yet Calum is _blown away_ at how _beautiful_ a sad angel could be. And how he fucking _hates_ himself for thinking something like that at a time where things aren’t supposed to be thought about someone looking beautiful even when broken.

Ashton finishes his Corona and puts the glass back down with a slam, and Calum is afraid it might break, but it doesn’t. The blonde slumps on the couch and whimpers, real tears flooding his face like a dam opened somewhere behind his eye sockets and now he won’t stop crying.

“I-I didn’t _want_ to be bothered. I mean, I _haven’t_ thought about this whole thing ever since my birthday. And now I’m thinking about it _again_ just _because_ they talked about it. And it just got me thinking that maybe, _maybe_ Ashton doesn’t _deserve_ a dad. Maybe…Maybe he isn’t _worthy_ enough to have a father. He deserves all the weight in the world, to mature quickly and act like an adult even when he’s still a fucking _teen_ , Ashton deserves all the pain in the world. He deserves _all of this_.” Ashton continues, voice going different octaves and fading and cracking and just sounding so _broken_.

Calum continues to watch him silently, because he wants Ashton to tell him about his familial story. He knows it sounds greedy, to want to hear everything Ashton has to say, but he thinks that if an angel like Ashton receives the weight in the world, maybe Calum can receive it, too. So that the weight that was supposed to be for Ashton goes to Calum, too.

“I don’t know, man. It’s like, I’m the only one in the music industry that has no _dad_ to guide me or something. To motivate me to be a better man. To teach me how to play shit. To take a fucking selfie with. Or to just be his little son even if I’m not anymore. You know, you, Michael, and Luke, you’re all so fucking lucky. You all have dads that live in the same house as your mums. You all have dads that you get to see cuddle your mum and kiss her on the cheek and say embarrassing stuff in front of you. You all have dads that help you do your homework, or help you in your video games, or help you decide what’s best for you. How to get a girl. How to stand up for yourself. All that good shit. Me? I got nothin’. Coz I’ve no _dad_.” Ashton rants and looks at Calum the whole time, spitting the last word like it was venom, his tears still continuing to fall and his voice still breaking.

“I remember thinking back then when I was like, two, the approximate time my dad left, and I was growing up and I was thinking, “ _Well, at least I have no one to hurt me anymore._ ” Because you know, my dad used to be very abusive. I don’t even know his name. I don’t even remember his face. All I remember was that he used to hit me a lot, and scream at my mother. And drink a lot, too. And never appear in the house until it was real dark outside.”

“And then when I was like, ten, this dude named Richard made an appearance in mum’s life. And mum was happy so I was happy, too. And they got married after dating for like, a year. And then mum gave birth to Lauren later on. God, I thought my life was going to be put back together. I thought the questions from the kids in school were going to stop once I told them I had a dad. They were all just thoughts, I guess.” Ashton smiled so forcefully, Calum wanted him to stop immediately. Fake smiles on Ashton looked so ugly, he deserves genuine ones, not forced ones like this.

“And then pretty soon mum and Richard started to fight, too. And eventually he left. And another one comes, gets to know my mum, does it, my mum gives birth to Harry, they don’t get married, they’re live-in partners, and then they fight, and he abuses me, occasionally hurts Lauren, too. There are bruises all over my body, faded scars here and there. And then I have to tell my mum that the live-in partner was a fucking demon. And we’re all back to square one, again. We leave our house and move to a far place, mum tries to work all day, all night. I go to work at fucking KFC and a video game store, I get bullied for being fatherless, I become depressed and suicidal, and it’s a boring cycle, really. I thought I was going to be like that for the rest of my life.” Ashton ends with a shrug. His words are slurred but Calum understands them, and his face is red and so are his eyes, and they look gloomier, if that was even possible. And Calum’s heart breaks.

Everyone in the band knew how Ashton used to make his body like a canvas and razors and cutters and pointy-edged things as tools and his blood as paint, and how he would cover up these masterpieces with long sleeves, sweaters, jackets, anything long and huge. Everyone could see the hate he gets from people who didn’t like their music, even until now. Everyone knew Ashton was fatherless, and yet they _continued_ to put salt in that wound and they just _loved_ seeing Ashton suffering, didn’t they? They loved the fact that every word they utter has Ashton thinking about his life. They _love_ seeing Ashton in pain and Calum just doesn’t _get it_.

To Calum, Ashton deserves _all_ the possible love in the world. He deserves to be spoiled every day, he deserves someone to ruffle his hair jokingly, to be taught to play basketball or FIFA, or any type of sport, he deserves _all_ the good things in the world, not all this bullshit.

Calum’s thoughts about Ashton stops when said boy goes to get another bottle. Calum decides then that four or five glasses of really strong alcohol were enough, so he softly grabs at Ashton’s wrist, stopping him mid-air.

Ashton looks at their hands for what seemed like an eternity, and Calum tries to ignore at the realization. Ashton’s eyes slowly lead up to Calum’s arm, to his neck, to his face, and to his eyes, and the bassist ignores how fast his heart is beating. And then he and Ashton make eye contact and.

“Let me drink. I want to forget I talked about this.” Ashton mumbles, eyes never leaving Calum’s. His eyes are blown out and Calum hopes it’s because of the alcohol, not because of the suddenly heavy atmosphere.

“You’re going to get real hungover in the morning.” Calum counters back quietly, and he’s amazed to keep his voice calm because his heart is beating like he’s running.

“I don’t care.” Ashton says, and he tries to break his left hand free, but it’s no use; Calum is stronger than he is. And somehow, Ashton remembers he has another hand, so he goes to grab the bottle successfully, but Calum grabs it, too, and makes him let go of the bottle.

Now, Calum has both of his hands, and Calum is telling Ashton to stop, let it go, he doesn’t want Ashton to be too hungover. But Calum can tell there is something else going on in Ashton’s head. He doesn’t look focused, and he’s looking at Calum’s face with this unidentifiable expression, and it’s making Calum feel shy and timid all of a sudden, like he was in his high school years trying to ask his crush out on a date.

Suddenly, Calum is being tugged towards his best friend, their faces just meters away, breaths smelling like alcohol mingling, and the tension in the room is so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

Calum’s lost himself in Ashton’s beautiful hazel eyes that he doesn’t realize he’s coming nearer and nearer to his face, and maybe Ashton’s doing the same, no one knows for sure. Just a little more, and Calum gets to experience what if feels like to have Ashton’s smooth lips against his.

Ashton ends up kissing him in the cheek. Calum isn’t prepared.

He can feel Ashton’s lips stay there, on his face, for a few seconds, before pulling away and looking at his eyes and whispering, “Th-Thanks. Thank you for being here. With me. Tonight.”

Calum finds the words and replies three seconds later. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re welcome. You’re my best friend, of course I won’t let you do this on your own.” He lets go of Ashton’s hands and they fall slowly, and Ashton looks at them, and then back at him, as if he didn’t want Calum to let go.

Suddenly, Ashton looks like a shy baby koala as he mumbles something Calum doesn’t quite catch. He asks Ashton to say it again and this time he hears it. “Will you sleep beside me tonight?”

Calum’s heart swells two times its original size at the innocence of the question, and nods vigorously, “Of course, Ashy. Of course.”

Calum stands up and holds a hand for Ashton to hold, and he does accept it. Ashton stands up and almost falls back down again if not for Calum’s strong arms to guide him. The bassist leads him and the drummer upstairs, a hand behind his back to guard him.

The trip to their room is silent, and when Calum shuts the door and turns the lights on, Ashton is stripping off his jacket and pants and untying his boots at a slow manner, like he’s got his head stuck somewhere and can’t get out of it.

Calum goes to the bathroom and brushes his teeth and gets a glass of water for him and Ashton to drink on, so that a little of the soberness comes back. Ashton accepts it and stands there, drinking a glass of water in just a shirt and boxers, and Calum still thinks he’s pretty.

He gives the glass back to Calum once he’s finished and Calum goes to put it in the bathroom. When he goes out, he sees Ashton on his own bed, all curled up and staring at the ceiling. Calum goes to turn the lights off, making his way back to Ashton’s bed without hitting on anything. He goes under the covers cautiously while Ashton makes some space for him.

Once he’s gotten comfortable, he feels Ashton turn around and face his chest. It’s amazing, really, how Ashton is six feet tall, and yet he’s so _small_ right now. Calum wants to keep him in his arms if that’s the only way to make him safe. Ashton is so compliant with everything, and he’s so quiet, Calum is slightly worried if he’s still thinking about it.

Their legs tangle up together, and Calum’s got a hand in Ashton’s ridiculously long curly hair, knowing it relaxes the drummer. Sure enough, it does, if Ashton’s sudden deep breathing was anything to go by, plus the little movement of hiding his face underneath Calum’s chin.

“Thank you.” Ashton mumbles a few moments later, and Calum honestly didn’t expect that. He thought Ashton was already asleep.

But he replies, anyway. “Anytime.” Because if it _does_ happen again, Calum will always be there. He’ll make sure of that.

(He swallows down the words that are close to something like this, “ _You don’t deserve all the weight in the world. You’re an angel sent from above. Maybe the reason why they all left was because they know that you alone can handle your family better than they themselves can. You’re precious to the world, you’re beautiful, and I love that. I love everything about you. You’re perfect to me,_ ” because it isn’t the right time to say such a thing. Not yet. And he wouldn’t risk losing this rare moment; having Ashton in his arms, sleeping soundly beside him, just from a lame confession.)

* * *

“Hey, Cal. Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Calum looks up from playing mindlessly on his bass, to the eyes of Feldy. He nods, placing his bass down, leaving Luke to think about finishing the song they’re both working on. Luke doesn’t even appear to notice him leaving, anyway.

Feldy leads him inside the recording room, where there’s the familiar booth. It’s eerily quiet, and Calum’s fingers are twitching. He wished he had brought his bass with him, just to fill the room with a little sound. Calum always struggled with silence he didn’t cause.

Feldy clears his throat, making Calum look back at him and not around the room. “You and I both know that Ashton is your best friend, right?” Feldy asks, and Calum quirks a brow, but nods slowly anyway.

Feldy bites his upper lip, as if trying to think how he was going to say whatever it was he was thinking. “Do you…Do you by any chance, know what’s going on with Ashton?”

Calum instantly frowns. He knows what Feldy’s talking about. That night when Ashton got pissed-drunk, cried, and Calum cradled him in his arms, it wasn’t the end. The next morning, Calum did wake up with Ashton in his arms, but the same gloomy eyes lasted throughout the day. When Luke and Michael came bustling through the room, Ashton had his eyes closed, his head on Calum’s chest. Luke asked what was going on, saying they had seen the bottles and the cans left on the table last night, and asked if they were okay.

Calum had answered for Ashton, saying that they just enjoyed the time they could have with the house to themselves, so they drunk til they dropped. Michael laughed loudly at that, and both Ashton and Calum simultaneously told them to ‘ _shut the fuck up, I’m too hungover to deal with this shit_ ’. Michael had rolled his eyes at that, and muttered something about them being lovebirds and him and Luke coming back to bring them anything they need. (When Luke and Michael left, Ashton actually _snuggled_ back into Calum’s neck and stayed there. Calum and Ashton fell asleep and woke up later than two in the afternoon, which was just bizarre.)

Calum was impressed with the façade Ashton put up with Luke and Michael, and with so many people. When they were nursing their hangovers, Ashton had gone downstairs after a shower and hugged Luke and Michael, apologizing about his attitude from that morning. Then, he went to get himself a coffee and did nothing but watch tv the whole night.

The next few days passed by in a blur, and the whole band saw the usual things Ashton did in the house. Ashton’s restlessness, his jokes, his heavenly laughter, his dimpled smile, him attempting to cook and asking Calum for help, doing the grocery with Calum because Luke and Michael were stubborn idiots…

But Calum saw _one_ thing Luke and Michael didn’t see. And that was the never changing _gloomy_ look in Ashton’s eyes. Sure, his eyes looked bright, but that was it. They _looked_ bright, they weren’t _genuinely_ bright. It was like Ashton knew how to keep his eyes looking happy even if he wasn’t. It was as if he _knew_ his eyes were really the window to his soul, so he shut the window and had a lamp behind that window that gave off the light his hazel eyes had. It’s such a smart move, Calum is fucking _amazed_ at how Ashton can easily brush something off, even though it was still there.

“Calum.” Feldy called him back to reality. Calum looked at him, thinking of what to say.

And then he decided that, _fuck it_ , Feldy probably knew what to do. But then, Calum remembered, Feldy _was_ one of the people who caused his best friend to be like this in the first place.

“Um, Ashton’s just, y’know. That phase.” Calum mumbled slowly, like a kid trying to learn to lie.

“That phase where one of us just, y’know, shuts off and like, need time by ourselves. It happens a lot to Michael, and usually we just leave him—or Luke to take care of him. So, yeah,” Calum ended with a shrug, trying to appear indifferent about this whole thing.

Feldy’s eyes are on him, like he was trying to find the truth and the lie in Calum’s words, and the bassist fidgets, twitches his fingers and plays with them, rubs his face, bites his lips. A habit he can never stop when he’s nervous.

“Are you sure?” Feldy asks, expression serious as hell.

Calum nods because he can’t trust his voice at the moment; he knows he’ll just end up squeaking and then everything will be revealed and he has to tell the truth to Feldy, and Calum doesn’t want that. He wants what’s going on with Ashton to be his knowledge only, because this is the only thing Calum has of Ashton that no one has, for now.

Feldy nods, maybe believing Calum or just leaving the topic, Calum isn’t sure which one, but he’s glad nonetheless. “Okay. He went here yesterday. Did you know that?”

“Ah, yeah. To test a few of the songs we’ve written, right?” Calum affirmed, remembering how Ashton had gone out without telling him and gone back when Calum was the only one awake in the living room, waiting for him. He smelled like alcohol and was too drunk to function to walk in his room, so Calum made him sleep on the couch while he slept on the floor to ‘ _guide you in case you do something stupid, you idiot_ ’, he had said to the drummer.

Which is why he woke up with an aching body after tossing and turning all night, knowing Ashton was thinking about it, again. Which is also why Ashton is currently in the house with Michael, probably still asleep since Calum and Luke left him like that.

“Yeah. But that’s not all.” Feldy said, and Calum raised a brow again. “He actually started a new song yesterday, and well, that’s the reason why I talked to you in the first place.”

Well, that’s weird. Ashton usually tells Calum if he’s written something or not. This was new.

“C-Can I…Do you have the paper?” Calum asks.

Feldy turns and exits the booth, Calum following behind. As they walked back to where Luke was, Feldy started talking. “He actually typed it, said he didn’t want to write it on paper. It’s supposed to be a secret til it’s finished, he said, but you’re his best friend and I’m worried.”

Feldy gets his Mac and opens it, opening a document titled _Invisible_. Calum doesn’t know if he likes the idea or hates it, an idea of what the song is about formulating in his head.

“It’s just a verse, though. I fixed it a bit.” Feldy adds before giving the Mac to Calum to read.

 _“Another day, of painted walls and football on the tv_  
_No one sees me fade away_  
_Lost inside a memory of someone’s life_  
_It wasn’t mine”_

“Wow,” is all Calum says. Because that’s how he would describe this song. _Wow_.

“Exactly.” Feldy supplies. Suddenly, Luke speaks. “What is that?”

“Just a song Ashton and I wrote last night.” Feldy answers.

“He went here last night?” Luke asks in surprise, and the conversation between them goes on without Calum paying any more attention.

This is bad, and yet Calum thinks that the outcome of this song is gonna be _amazing_. He wants to help. He’s got an idea of how Ashton wants this song to be about. This is going to be the first time they’re gonna do such a thing, and Calum is going to help Ashton finish this.

With slightly shaky fingers, Calum types away, letting all the words and sentences fly to their own accord.

After rereading the whole song three times, his and Ashton’s lyrics combined, Calum exits the document and gives the Mac to Feldy. He can feel Luke’s and Feldy’s eyes on him, knowing he’s thinking about something.

But Calum will not comment about anything. “Alright, Luke. How’s Fly Away?”

Luke talks about the song, and they write some more, and Calum is amazed at how he can look normal with everything, even when he’s got himself in a daze after reading what Ashton’s written.

* * *

 

“Oh my god, Michael. Stop it!”

Calum successfully contains the groan that threatened to come out of his throat. There’s laughter and loud voices everywhere, and Calum isn’t in the mood. He wants to go home. He wants to bury himself under the covers and sleep and never wake up again. The idea of writing a song doesn’t sound so appealing anymore.

Screw that, the idea of writing something that isn’t Ashton’s song doesn’t sound appealing.

 _Invisible_ is still there, seated in Feldy’s Mac. It’s been approximately five days since Calum had seen it, and in those five days, Ashton stayed in the house. His eyes still held that gloominess, but it somehow faded, just a bit. Calum’s relieved, but he knows there’s a chance it’s going to come back. Calum wants it to go away. He wants to remove it and hope it never ever comes back.

Calum’s so far gone for his best friend now. Before this whole thing happened, before that night with them drinking their heads off, Calum was positive he loved his best friend in a way where he can still manage to look at Ashton in the eye without feeling flustered. Back then, Calum can handle a day or two without hearing from Ashton. Now, Calum’s barely managed to look at Ashton in the eye without playing with his fingers or biting his inner cheek. Now, he keeps looking for Ashton, never wanting the blonde going out of his vision, because he can’t trust his best friend to do things by his own at the moment. He’s so overprotective of Ashton, he hopes it isn’t that obvious. If anything, Ashton seems to appreciate his presence.

Right now, he’s watching said best friend guffaw with Luke, Michael, Feldy and _the_ Simon Wilcox as they watch Michael demonstrate how to eat a donut in different ways. It’s honestly stupid, but maybe that’s because Calum wasn’t listening.

Calum manages to take a glimpse of the paper in Luke’s hands. Through the back of the paper, he can see the little words in it, and they seem to be a decent amount of words and verses. Maybe they all got it figured out.

That’s great, really. Because Calum can’t focus. He needs to pull himself together.

Calum mumbles about needing to use the bathroom, but is downright ignored by the people in the room. Simon’s laughter is loud and carefree, almost like her soul, and that’s the last thing Calum hears before shutting the door.

He takes a slow walk in the hallways, trying to keep his thoughts in one place and not everywhere. There are words in his head, flooding him like a dam that was suddenly open, and they’re flooding his brain and Calum needs to flush them all away.

Words like _halls, ghost, home, happiness,_ and _words_ itself. It’s weird. Calum hasn’t experienced something like this before; words like stacks of books being placed over the other and not being able to form a thought. Usually his brain is empty like a finished delicious meal.

The words are adding as Calum takes his time in the bathroom. When he pulls his sleeves to wash his hands and look at the mirror, he notices that he looks incredibly distracted. It’s like looking at a new face, not his. This isn’t the Calum everyone knows. This is the Calum nobody wants to see. Not even Calum himself.

He notices there’s some cracks in the mirror, and there are faded writings on the wall, like Feldy tried to clean them up but they’re too hard to clean in one day so he does it once a day.

 _Shattered glass, wrote it down on the walls_.

Calum leans closer at the writing on the wall. There’s a faded out writing of _SCREAM_ written in what seemed to come from a sharpie, and that’s enough for Calum to be hit with inspiration.

_Shattered glass, like the past, it’s a memory now_

_Wrote it down on the walls_

_Just a ghost in the halls, feeling empty_

“ _There are bruises all over my body, faded scars here and there_.”

Calum’s overwhelmed. Everything is overwhelming. The words, the lyrics his brain are forming, the _connection_ of all these words to Ashton’s past. _Everything_.

He doesn’t realize he’s left the faucet running and now the sink’s overflowing, and the drip of excess water in his shoe snaps him out of it.

“Fuck.” He mutters, pulling the clog away and letting the water drain. Calum looks at the mirror. His eyes are red, patches of water in his shirt, faint wetness in cheeks.

He doesn’t understand why he’s crying, but _god_ , he needs to write all of these lyrics now. But he doesn’t want to let Ashton know. He’s going to write all of this in his phone. He’s going to program a password in his Notes now.

Calum washes his face, gives himself another onceover before exiting the bathroom. He’s walking in the halls, and if he had a strong imagination and he closes his eyes, he can vision himself as Ashton. Or a girl, walking in the halls, feeling empty, feeling the vacancy and the loneliness.

When he opens his eyes, there’s a huge phrase in his head. It’s going to be the title of the song, and it’s going to be for Ashton.

_Broken Home._

“Hey, Cal. We finished the song. Where the hell have you been? Why are your eyes red?”

“Did I take that long? I was washing my face and I got some soap in my eyes. Idiot move, if you ask me.”

The room bursts in little giggles and chuckles, Feldy and Simon grinning at him, Michael snickering in Luke’s shoulder and Luke hiding his smile, and Ashton is looking at him like he was so important and—

Calum needs to stop blinding himself with all this. He sees Ashton motion him to sit beside him, so he goes and follows anyway. He asks for the paper in Luke’s hand. Calum nods at the song, says it sounds great, and everyone is happy.

Everyone except Calum, but that’s okay. Ashton is there to keep him distracted.

* * *

 

“Can you give me a hand?”  Calum asks Benji and Joel, who are chattering on the couch, eating popcorn. Calum is seated on a barstool in the kitchen island, while Feldy is making something healthy.

“Sure thing, man.” Benji stands up and walks to where Calum is, with a pen and a paper in his hand. “What’s that?” he asks, voice gruff and deep.

“I’m the only one who’s written this, for now. I can’t find the right words with this one, though.” Calum explains, giving the paper to Benji to read. Back when he first started songwriting, he didn’t want anyone to read it. Gotta Get Out was a song he wrote by himself, and he was so embarrassed with it, saying it’s bad. Now, though, he’s sort of come out of his shy bubble; he can manage to give his lyrics to people, because he knows they won’t laugh at him and think it’s stupid.

Joel goes to rise up, too. He stands beside his twin brother, and now Calum has both Madden brothers looking at his paper, and he feels like he wants to tear the paper from their hold and eat it so that no one but him knows what’s written in the paper, the ink being digested by his stomach.

What the hell is he thinking. Calum goes to look at what Feldy’s making to distract himself from the Madden brothers’ eyes in his paper. Feldy’s making milkshakes, and Calum likes the idea. He grabs a banana in the fruit basket and eats it.

When he turns around, Benji is seated on his chair, and Joel is pointing at some parts of the paper. There’s a pen in Benji’s hand, and Calum knows that if they stay in that position any longer, Feldy is gonna join them, too.

Sure enough, it does happen, and Calum doesn’t know if he should leave with his milkshake and never come back in this house again.

He goes to the living room to grab some leftover popcorn and finish his banana. Grabbing his bass, Calum plays some chords, just letting his fingers play. He thinks of more lyrics to add, for Broken Home, or Invisible. Those two are his only priorities for now.

Five minutes later, Feldy is on the phone. He’s talking to someone, and when Calum listens, he realizes he’s talking to Luke. Luke _and_ Michael, who are at home doing their LukeandMichael thing.

Calum stands up at this, putting his bass down carefully. “What the—Feldy!” he calls.

“Yeah, if you could listen to what Benji’s going to say, add some other possible words, think you can do that?” Feldy speaks in the phone, and he must’ve been on speaker, because Calum can hear Michael and Luke say yes.

Benji starts talking, reading the lyrics Calum’s written, and Calum feels like burrowing himself into a hole and die.

“ _They would yell, they would scream, they were fighting it out_  
_She would hope, she would pray she was waiting it out_  
_Holding onto a dream while she watches these walls fall down_ ”

“ _Sharp words, like knives, they were cutting her down_  
_Shattered glass, like the past, it’s a memory now_  
_Holding onto a dream while she watches these walls fall down_ ”

“What do you think, boys?” Joel asks Luke and Michael, who are silent for a long time.

Everyone’s waiting for a response, double-checking the lyrics, tapping their fingers on the table, mumbling some words, and Calum is amazed. What’s with the sudden attention to the song he wrote?

“ _I think…Wait, is this about family?_ ” Michael’s voice breaks the silence, and all eyes are on Calum.

“Well, Cal? Is it?” Feldy asks, pure curiosity in his eyes and voice.

Calum could only stare at them, trying to sink everything in, before realizing he has to answer. He nods, and then remembers Michael and Luke can’t see him, so he croaks out, “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

“ _Holy shit, Calum._ ” Luke swears in the phone. It’s silent again, and Calum is confused. What about it?

“ _Wait, wait. I’ve got an idea._ ” Michael says, and there’s some shuffling on the phone, and Luke and Michael are mumbling something. So are Feldy and the Maddens. Everyone is mumbling something, and Calum’s just there, standing, watching.

“ _Hey mum, hey dad, when did this end?_ ” Benji speaks again, and that’s the chorus of the song. That’s where Calum is currently stuck.

“ _Where did you lose your happiness?_ ” Michael talks after.

“I’m here alone inside of this broken home.” Calum bravely suggests; it’s the only thought that’s been bugging him, ever since that day they wrote _Vapor_.

Joel continues. “Who’s right, who’s wrong, who really cares?”

“ _The fault, the blame, the pain’s still there._ ” Luke mutters, and Benji is scribbling it down as neatly as he can.

“I’m here alone inside of this broken home.” Feldy supplies. And they’re done. They’re done with the first chorus. Just the next verse is left.

“Wrote it down on the walls, she was screaming it out.” Calum talks again, his confidence coming back. He walks near the table and looks at the words in the paper.

 “Made it clear, she’s still here. Are you listening now?” Calum says, and then he gets the pen from Benji. Benji stands up and moves away, giving Calum his seat back. And then everyone’s huddled around him.

The rest of the second verse was finished entirely by Calum, with a little bit of changes from Benji and Joel. Luke and Michael were there, listening to every word. And then Michael gives away the bridge, and Luke says they should repeat the chorus two more times, ending it with “this broken home”, and then it’s done.

Broken Home is done. Broken Home is officially a song.

“ _Holy shit, I can’t wait to play it._ ” Luke’s excitement is evident in his voice, making Feldy grin, too.

“I can’t wait for you all to record it.” Feldy says, going back to the sink to give the Maddens and Calum their milkshakes.

When they say their goodbyes and thanks to Luke and Michael, Benji looks at Calum in the eye and smiles, “Well, Calum, you just wrote what seems to be the heaviest song you’ve ever written in your entire life.”

“Keep up the good work, kiddo.” Joel claps him in the back, and Calum tries to deny how his cheeks are flaming and his grin is too big. He just got a compliment of having written the saddest song he’s ever written. And he’s proud of it.

He hopes Ashton’s proud of it, too. He can’t wait for Ashton’s reaction, once he sees this. Once Calum tells him that the song was for him.

Calum’s heart skips a beat at the thought. He shoves the thought away as he sips on his milkshake.

* * *

 “Why do we have some violinists in here?”

Calum looks up from the tracks they’ve made written in paper. Ashton saw some violinists enter Feldy’s house, and then he remembers, _they all haven’t told Asthon anything._

It’s been two days since Broken Home finished, and Feldy wanted to record it immediately. He said some violins will help make the song be more emotional. Luke’s got how everything needs to be sung figured out. He says he wants the song to have this creepy, sad, heavy feel. Something that can make someone cry as they listen to the lyrics and be blown away with the music. Michael’s got the melody figured out. He knows how Calum should play it with the bass. Basically everyone’s got Calum’s song figured out, like they know how they wanted it.

Everyone except Ashton.

He’s in for a surprise.

“The violinists are here for the songs we’re going to record today.” Feldy explains as he enters the room from outside. “Everyone, meet some of the violinists from the London Symphony Orchestra,” he introduces proudly, and everyone’s jaws—including Calum’s—are wide open.

Ashton immediately stands up, greeting them all and shaking their hands. “Lovely to meet you, I’m Ashton. We’re 5 Seconds of Summer.”

“We know who you are, don’t worry.” One woman speaks up for her colleagues. “As unbelievable as it sounds, we really like She’s Kinda Hot. And your first album was cool, but we’re here for a reason. We want your second album to be better than the first.”

Calum wasn’t expecting a mouthful of words, but hey, this is awesome. Calum already likes them.

“Okay then, to the recording room we go!” Calum cheers, everyone doing the same, except Ashton. He looks real confused with everything, like he’s lost and he wants to be supplied with information first before recording.

“Oh, Ashton. I forgot to tell you about this thing that happened two days ago.” Feldy had pulled Ashton back, and he called Calum, too, saying they were going to talk in the garden. So Calum lets Luke and Michael know before he leaves.

Once they’re outside, Feldy makes sure to close the door. He comes back with a paper in his hands, the paper where Broken Home was written. Feldy wordlessly gives the paper to Ashton, who takes it with a frown. And then, Feldy looks at Calum and grins at him, silently saying he can do this, he can tell Ashton, and Calum nods, so Feldy takes that as his cue to come back inside.

“So, what’s this?” Ashton asks slowly after a few seconds of silence. His eyes don’t contain the gloominess anymore, not a single trace. Confusion and nervousness replaced the sadness. His eyes are serious and hard, even if the confusion and nervousness are there.

Calum looks at his feet, smoothing some grass down with his shoe, and he shrugs to appear halfhearted about this. “It’s just a…A song. I wrote most of it. Feldy and the others helped it, but the idea of the song was purely by me. It’s the best song I’ve ever written, they said.” He looks at anywhere but Ashton, whom he knows is watching him with observant eyes.

Ashton nods and mumbles an okay before holding the paper in front of him and clearing his throat. “Broken Home,” he reads the title. And then he starts reading the lyrics, word for word.

“They would yell, they would scream, they were fighting it out. She would hope, she would pray, she was waiting it out. Holding onto a dream while she watches these walls fall down.” Ashton clears his throat once more before continuing.

“Sharp words, like knives, they were cutting her down.”

_“Oh my god, Ashton’s fatherless.” “He doesn’t have a dad.” “Their band may have gotten an award but Ashton will never have a father, so who’s the loser now?“_

“Shattered glass, like the past, it’s a memory now. Holding onto a dream while she watches these walls fall down.”

“Hey mum—mum? Hey _dad_ , when did this end? Where did you…Where did you lose your happiness? I’m here alone inside of this broken home. Oh.” Ashton pauses, as if slowly realizing what this song was all about.

“Who’s right, who’s wrong, who really cares? The fault, the blame, the pain’s still there. I’m here alone inside of this broken home. This broken home.” Calum bites his lip at that. He knows that the next one is going to hit Ashton pretty hard, but exactly _how_ hard?

“Wrote it down on the walls, she was screaming it out.” Ashton read aloud, and then he decided to read it silently, maybe because the words were starting to take their weight on his shoulders.

Suddenly, the idea of letting Ashton read all of that didn’t sound so pleasant anymore. What if Ashton was going to hate him? What if Ashton didn’t want it to be put in the album? What if Ashton thought it was stupid?

“ _Are you listening now..?_ ” Ashton read quietly, like it was something sacred and he alone deserved to hear over and over again.

“All the…All the battles, all the wars, all the t-times that you’ve—”Ashton’s voice cracking shocked Calum, so he looked at his best friend with wide eyes.

Sure enough, Ashton was crying and sniffing. Calum wasn’t sure if he should come near him and give him a hug. Ashton does it, though. He collides in Calum’s chest, the paper all rumpled up in his hand as he gives Calum the hardest hug he could muster at his state.

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay.” Calum soothed, burying his nose in Ashton’s curls. Ashton continues to sob while the wind bites at their skin, while the sun is slowly setting, and Calum clenches his jaw to remind himself that _he_ made Ashton cry. Through a song he’s written. He’s half proud of it and half isn’t because he made his angel cry. What a dick move.

Ashton continues to cry in his shoulder, voice going different octaves and pitches while trying to say something, but the words come out as mumbles.

“All the battles, all the wars, all the times that you’ve fought.” Calum whispers in Ashton’s hair, continuing with the song.

“She’s the scars, she’s the bruises, she’s the pain that you brought. There was life, there was love, like a light and it’s fading now…” Ashton grabs at Calum’s jacket at that, letting out a pathetic whimper.

“You’ve gotta let it go, you’re losing all your hope. Nothing left to hold, locked out in the cold.” Calum mumbled in Ashton’s neck, warm lips moving on skin. He feels Ashton shiver and whimper, and he isn’t sure if he should continue speaking the lines out or what.

“You painted memories and washed out all the seams. I’m stuck in between a nightmare and lost dreams.” Calum finishes, now allowing himself to wrap his arms around Ashton as tightly as he could, trying to pour out all the unspoken feelings in it and hoping his best friend feels it.

It’s silent for a few moments, Calum just letting Ashton slowly calm down. When his sobs go from silent tears and sniffles, Calum decides at that time to speak again. This time, he wants to let Ashton get a glimpse of his thoughts. It’s now or never, anyway.

“This song…This whole song I started and finished with a little help from the lads, this was all inspired by you.” Calum whispered softly, pulling his face away from Ashton to see the latter’s beautiful puffed up pink face. His thumb goes to brush the remaining tears in Ashton’s eyes away.

“I don’t know, honestly. I kept thinking about everything, actually. Ever since that day you told me about how you don’t deserve a dad? And how you deserve the whole weight in the world? You don’t, Ashton. You don’t.” He continues, hands now placed firmly on Ashton’s shoulders.

“You deserve _all_ the love and the care and the concern in the world. You’re a really strong person in general, and that’s what so many people love about you. You’re smart, you’re talented, you’ve got a great heart, you’re good-looking, and you put your family first before anything. You put _us_ first before anything. And that’s what we all love about you, Ashton. You’re a fucking angel sent from above. We don’t deserve you. _I_ don’t deserve you, but you’re my best friend, and I honestly don’t deserve it, but you’re here and you’re fucking important to me, Ashy. You really are. And I want you to know that. And I guess this is one reason why I dedicate Broken Home to you; because you don’t _deserve_ the pain. You don’t deserve all the negativity in your life. And I know I can never take the pain away, but I want to share to the world how a brave fighter you are. And what better way to do it other than to write a song about it, yeah?” He finally finishes, and he buries his face in the drummer’s hair once again, refusing to show any traces of weakness before him. He has to stay strong for Ashton, no need to be emotional about his little speech.

Ashton’s crying again, but there’s the undeniable grin in it, and he’s whimpering in a high-pitched manner, sobbing, “Cal. Calum. Stop it, you arse.”

And maybe Ashton and Calum stand there for an eternity, just in each other’s arms, crying out of joy because _someone cares_ and pain and all the feelings needed to be let out. Out of _love_.

(Calum doesn’t say it, yet. But he thinks Ashton’s got an idea of what’s going on. Either that, or he’s overlooking it. He and Ashton still hit it off pretty well after this heart-to-heart conversation, and they come back to the studio with Ashton looking as cheerful and happy as if he never was sad, and Calum can see the genuine glow in his beautiful hazel eyes. Ashton goes to record the songs with determination and vigor, and Calum tries not to be blown away with it.)

* * *

 Sounds Live Feels Live, 2016. Their first ever world tour.

This whole tour is amazing so far. Calum enjoys every gig, every place, and every country they go to. As usual, for every country they visit, he and Ashton always go out to look around and eat and just chill. Luke and Michael spend most of the time at home, but that’s okay. Going out is Ashton and Calum’s thing, while staying in is Luke and Michael’s.

They’re currently in Australia, and god they missed everything. They were all able to talk with their families, and they’re all here right now, and Calum hopes his family is having a good time. (He knows they are, he could still see his mum doing that little dance she does with her hands in the air, and Mali is banging her head off while screaming along with the lyrics. His dad is either watching with a huge smile on his face or trying to calm his two girls down.)

They’re performing in Brisbane, their second-to-the-last stop for the Australian leg of the tour, and the adrenaline in Calum’s bones and veins is two times stronger than normal. Because this is Oz, his home.

Part of their setlist from the second album were SKH, Jet Black Heart, Hey Everybody!, Permanent Vacation, Vapor (because it is a fan favorite), Safety Pin, Catch Fire, Fly Away, Money, San Francisco and Airplanes. During the talk with the fans, Luke and Michael noticed a fan holding up a sign that said they should play Broken Home, so Michael played the beginning of the song with an acoustic, and then Luke started singing, so Calum went on with it, too, but Luke dominated the chorus, and Ashton’s drumming could be heard, and Calum’s heart was beating loudly in his chest again. Since he _knows_ what Ashton is thinking of when he plays the song, and he _knows_ Ashton plays it with so much emotion and vigor.

Calum manages to catch a glimpse of his best friend from behind. He shouldn’t have done that.

Ashton was already looking at him and fucking _grinning_ at him already. Calum had to look back and focus on the lyrics or else the fans might get suspicious.

It’s amazing, really, how up until now, Calum still experiences the same feelings he has when Ashton’s there. The butterflies in his stomach, the abnormal fast beating of his heart when he sees the drummer do anything sensual, the amount of self-control he has to put when he sees the latter topless or in nothing but a towel or when he even _sees_ his biceps, and the stupid grin always threatening to break his face when Ashton sleeps peacefully. It honestly amuses Calum, and he isn’t trying to sound cocky or assuming when he thinks about it, but ever since that day when they recorded Broken Home, the way Ashton treats him has somehow changed. It wasn’t obvious at first, but as days and months and a year passed, Calum will have to say that the way Ashton’s been treating him now is way better than the way he used to treat Calum all those years.

It’s because Calum now feels like he was _important_ to Ashton. He feels as if Ashton cares for him more than he cares for Luke and Michael, and the thought makes Calum slightly giddy. He’s thankful that Luke and Michael are talking to each other or the fans; if they were performing, Calum will surely have messed up a chord or some lyrics with that thought.

Luke and Michael are in the middle of teasing each other when Luke decides to go to where Michael is standing. And then Luke is talking with his wireless mic and Michael looks so fond it’s sickening, and Calum ‘s not surprised that the fans are screaming “MUKE MUKE MUKE!” while waving their Muke signs up in the air. Ever since that picture of them showing their 2016 Book of Stuff with Luke and Michael not so discreetly holding hands on bed, everyone’s just got the idea that they were a thing, and they all accepted it. Granted, it made the fans love them more.

Luke and Michael never voiced out what they were, never established their status to anyone, not even Calum and Ashton, but that’s just because those two probably take the quote “ _Actions speak louder than words,_ ” to heart. Calum’s happy for them, he really is, but he thinks it’d be better for them to finally say it, in case the media decides to make Luke and some girl or Michael and some girl hook up. The media would finally stop and so would the drooling girls if they established their marriage.

“Don’t come near me, Luke. I’m warning you.” Michael speaks into the mic and running away from the blonde, giggles escaping him.

“What is it, Michael? I’m not doing anything.” The smirk in Luke’s face is so damn evident, Calum bets professional photographers are taking shot after shot of his close up face.

Michael goes near the platform of Ashton’s drums to get his red cup of water, drinking from it. And then he puts his cup down without obviously swallowing the liquid in his mouth, and Luke seems to get the idea, because he’s running away while Michael’s the one chasing him before he spits at Luke’s back. The crowd erupts in laughter and screams, and Calum has to go laugh with them, too. Ashton’s cute laugh is resonating through the speakers.

“Michael Gordon Clifford, you are so dead to me!” Luke yells into the mic, tugging the back part of his shirt away from him. Michael laughs into his mic and yells back, “I told you not to come near me, dick!”

“You are in big trouble once this gig finishes, I swear to god.” Luke mutters into the mic without probably meaning to, and once he’s realized what he’s said, he looks up with wide eyes and starts laughing while covering his mouth and going red.

“Oh, kinky!” Michael laughs at him, but the way he’s also going red isn’t ignored. The fans are screaming so much louder, if that was even possible, and Luke and Michael are sending each other bashful gazes and giggles, so Calum decides to finally stand up from where he was sitting back as he goes to his mic, bass in hand.

Calum sends both Luke and Michael a mock dirty look before speaking into his mic, “Alright. Enough talks from you two. You’re getting a bit too carried away over there, you disgusting lot.”

“Never have I ever expected for them to finally establish what they really were, right here in front of you guys, during a gig, when we’re _about_ to perform the next song from our setlist, which is going to be one of love. I swear you two have the best timing.” Calum ends with a chuckle, and Luke and Michael are grinning at him, too.

Calum’s about to tell the crowd what their next song was, when he hears the fans say something. It was really hard to make out at first, but then he hears it once everyone is joining in.

“Kiss, kiss, kiss! Kiss, kiss, kiss!”

Calum is laughing his curly head off while Luke has the decency to clear his throat and say, “Um...Guys, no. No.”

“Oh, come on! Me and Calum have been trying to figure out if you two were a thing or not for a long time now. Like, we haven’t even walked in on you two making out and stuff. I think we all deserve a kiss. Just one kiss, Luke Hemmings.” Ashton suddenly speaks into his mic, but all Calum could think of is the fact that Ashton mentioned him, again. Calum tries to ignore his abnormal heart palpitations.

“That’s coz Luke and I are actually ninjas. We didn’t know how to break it to you guys, but him and I are going to Japan to look for a dojo and train until we reach like the highest position. Or become Hokages. I don’t know. Goodbye guys, it was fun while it lasted, but the Hokage life is looking for us.” Michael explains coolly, but his face and the glint in his eyes say otherwise. Calum never took Michael as the shy one. He actually thought Michael would immediately give the fans what they wanted, but he looks like he wants the ground to eat him right now so he disappears.

“Kiss, kiss, kiss!” This time, Ashton is joining the fans in the mantra, and Calum could only laugh and look at his two bandmates.

Luke and Michael are still looking at each other, but Michael’s fidgeting with his guitar and fixing his blue hair and giggling. Calum’s thinking if he should intervene and go on with the show when Luke puts his mic back in the stand and heads back to put his guitar away. And then he’s advancing towards Michael with the latter saying, “Don’t come near me, Hemmings. I’m serious.”

Michael removes his mic from the stand and by the time he fully turns around, Luke is close to trapping him from any escape. Calum slowly creeps up near Michael to help Luke block the blue-haired guy. When Michael turns around and sees Calum, he could see the older boy’s lips move in what seems like a swear.

Which is, wrong move for Michael because seeing Calum has him distracted, therefore Luke and his hidden ninja talents are shown for everyone to see as he tackles Michael from behind, making the older boy yelp in surprise. Michael struggles to break free, but that only appears to be some slight shoving in Luke’s case.

The crowd coos and screams and giggles and Calum joins them, because these two are so fucking cute. He voices that thought as he goes back to his mic, and Michael sends him a mock glare with his cheeks red.

“Fuck off, Luke. I’m sweaty and you’re sweaty. It’s disgusting.” Michael mumbles into his microphone, which Luke grabs from him and then he coos in the loudest, most sickening way ever, “I wuv you, Maykul Gohdon Cliffohdddd.”

Which causes chaos to the crowd, pretty much. Calum looks for Luke’s and Michael’s families; Karen and Liz are grinning and hugging each other, the Hemmings brothers are screaming and whooping for joy, and Andy is fucking fetching a wallet from his back pocket and giving Daryl a wad of cash. Calum laughs at the view. His family looks really pleased, and Mali is taking shot after shot from her phone. Lauren is giggling and Harry looks really happy, nonetheless.

“Mikey, look at your and Luke’s dad. We can see you from here, Daryl and Andy!” Calum yells before laughing again. Michael bends his head to Luke’s hand holding the mic and says, “We will have words, dad!”

When Luke disentangles himself from Michael, he gives the mic back to his not so secret boyfriend anymore. But when Michael goes to get it, he swiftly sends Luke a kiss on the cheek that has said blonde with his mouth hung open and eyes wide in surprise. Michael laughs at his face and goes past him, giving him a pat on the shoulder. Calum is completely awestruck as Luke is and he laughs in his mic, saying, “Well, so much shit has happened today. I bet you all my money that Hashtag Muke is trending worldwide right now, or something like that.”

“Luke Robert, get your arse back on earth, pal!” Ashton screams in his mic while they all watch Luke, who is looking at Michael with a dopey grin on his face. Michael is busy strumming some chords, and as Luke goes back to fetch his guitar, Michael is screaming in the mic, “Sorry for wasting so much of your precious time, everyone! Our next song is a fan favorite. This is Vapor!”

“Which was mostly written by me and bonus fact: you were my inspiration!” Luke screams in the mic as well, and Michael visibly freezes for a second, so Luke goes to sing. Calum can only shake his head at all this, but he’s positive their band just made everyone’s night, whether they were here with them right now or anywhere around the world.

And if the show ends with Luke and Michael holding hands until they exit the stage and them disappearing once they’ve set foot in a hotel, that’s okay. Because Ashton invites Calum out for dinner. Which is so _not_ a date, Calum tells himself.

* * *

 Sydney, their last stop for the Australian leg of the tour. God, Calum is going to miss this place so much. From the atmosphere, to the way water goes when they flush the toilet, to coffee, to his family and friends, and to the fans that were still there even after everything.

“We’re really gutted that tonight’s going to be the last time we’ll see you guys until more months come, but since it’s the last stop, we want every single one of you, Sydney! Front to back, left to right, we want all of you to go insane! Can you all do that?” Luke says in his mic with so much enthusiasm. The fans must have felt it, too, because everyone’s screaming and bouncing with their hands up.

“Luke! You need to learn to shut up.” Michael yells in his mic, and Calum rolls his eyes with a grin on his face. It’s started, again. The portion of the show which everyone refers to as _The LukeandMichael segment_. Calum senses that after everything two days ago, the banter was going to have little changes.

Luke laughs and then says, “I’m sorry, babe.” To which the crowd replies with a dying scream.

It’s Michael who shuts up instead, sending Luke a mock glare before going pink. “Shut up, Luke.” He mumbles in his mic, which has probably meant, “I love you” this whole time. Calum’s not sure why he’s only thought of that expression containing a hidden meaning only now, but it seems to be very possible. The banters and the teasings Michael does to Luke was probably his way of showing affection. And Luke, being the cocky bastard he is, keeps on accepting and nodding and going along with his boyfriend. He is that whipped.

The LukeandMichael segment stops for a bit as they now perform one of Calum’s favorites in the album and to play live, San Francisco. Calum enjoyed writing this song, because he got to write it with Sarah Hudson and Michael. He loved how they added a bit of instrumental after the song, and he was happy this was included in the setlist because he gets a few minutes to shine, and for everyone to hear just how beautiful the sounds his bass can make. Plus, believe it or not, but Calum wrote this song with a certain curly blonde with then long hair that time, the wind blowing through his hair as he ran with laughs escaping his mouth. Plus, he loved how this song had that peaceful and relaxing feel to it.

After San Francisco was Everything I Didn’t Say, which meant more moments for the bass to resonate everywhere again. Out of all the songs they’ve played live, Calum’s all time favorite will always be Everything I Didn’t Say. He’s about to speak into the mic when he hears Ashton go, “Wait, before we start playing the next song…”

Calum looks up to where his best friend is, holding his drumsticks in one hand, hair all messy, face and torso all sweaty and looking his usual angelic self. “Two days ago, every single one of you, in this country and everywhere around the world, witnessed how the love between two people was revealed by accident.” Ashton starts, his eyes going to the two mentioned men looking down and playing with their guitars. The place was filled with giggles and laughs and chuckles, and Calum smirked at his two best friends.

“And then I thought, “Well, if they told the world they loved each other and no one hated them or protested, then I guess I can do that, too.” Which, I think I can also do, can’t I, guys?” Ashton’s voice had that little bit of shakiness in it, like he was nervous, but Calum doesn’t want to look at him right now. The words immediately made sense to him and he doesn’t know if he can stomach such an idea.

That idea being _Ashton in love_. His best friend in the world is in love, and he never told Calum. It was probably a girl. Maybe it was that particular one that’s attended most of their gigs last year; the one with the long blonde hair and the pretty eyes and the _chest_ and the fucking slim body. Calum never questioned it, but he thinks the girl and Ashton lasted for months before breaking it off when the ROWYSO tour was about to end. Maybe Ashton’s regretted doing it and now he wants to come back to her and stay for good. Maybe she’s here, watching them, watching _him_ right now.

Calum goes to play a few silly chords on his bass, just so the place doesn’t need to be silent. Calum’s never dealt with silence that good, especially if it wasn’t caused by him. He focuses on the strings and his fingers and getting everything right as he clenches his jaw and keeps his mouth from moving downwards and his eyes from flooding with tears. He refuses to show weakness.

“When we were writing for Sounds Good Feels Good, that’s when everything started. Writing songs for the album was the best, believe me, but there was this one time where something triggered my feelings, you all know what that issue was. Ashton Irwin having no…You know. Yeah, that one.” Ashton goes to speak, and Calum stops playing and his vision stops flooding with water. His heart beat starts beating fast, slowly as each second passes. _He’s not going where I think he’s going, isn’t he?_ He thinks, because that seems impossible.

“So that just did it, you know? I sort of lost myself and I didn’t want to write what I felt, which was why majority of the songs in the album didn’t have my name in it. The only song I wrote with my emotions was Invisible, and we all know what your reactions to the song were. We all agreed it was the heaviest we’ve ever written, stuff like that…”

“When we were going to start recording the songs, Feldy introduced me to this one song these dudes had written along him and the Madden brothers. And let me tell you, that song just hit home, you know what I mean?” Ashton’s voice was the only sound that could be heard in the area, even Luke and Michael who were seated on his platform had stopped their talking, eyes now on him. There was even a spotlight on him, the light almost making it look like he was glowing from his seat on the drums. Ashton is so damn beautiful.

“So, Feldy introduces me the song. Gives me the paper, leaves me outside to read it with a bandmate. Broken Home was what it’s called, and holy shit it was the most beautiful song I’ve ever had the honor of playing and listening to. I know I’ve always told you that Jet Black Heart was something I couldn’t get enough of, and I played it on speakers and out loud with every possible moment, but Broken Home was something I had on loop, when I was feeling down, when I wore my huge headphones so the world can shut up or stop, when I hummed in the shower or while trying to make food—I’m getting better at it, I swear. Broken Home, believe it or not, was _my_ home. And you all wanna know something?” Ashton pulls away from the mic, licks at his lips and looks at the crowd for a few seconds. He grins, hazel eyes all shiny and happy when he goes to talk again. “This song was written, started by and mostly supplied by a bandmate. Not John Feldmann nor Benji and Joel. They only helped correct things and added a few words. Not Michael or Luke even if Michael supplied the bridge of the song and Luke had the way to sing it figured out.”

“Oy, we helped with the lyrics too, asshole!” Michael could be heard yelling but laughing, probably getting an idea on what this was all about. Ashton laughs at him and thanks him and goes to continue. “This song all came from the wonderful brain of such an amazing human being named Calum Thomas Hood.”

Calum looks up from the ground (which he didn’t know he’s kept his gaze), biting his bottom lip so hard _just_ to stop himself from grinning. The attempt was obviously futile, because the moment he and Ashton make eye contact, one from above and the other down below, Calum feels his lips curving upwards, and the fans are slowly loudening their screams.

Without looking away, Calum gropes for his mic and removes it from the stand. “You rang?” he offered jokingly, to which the drummer giggles at, fucking _giggles_ , and Calum gives himself a mental pat in the back.

“Hi, man.” Ashton greets like they’ve just seen each other now. He’s the first one to look away, eyes set back on the crowd. “Calum Hood, everyone!” he yells and everyone, Luke and Michael included, are clapping and whooping. Calum has no idea what to do, so he looks behind him and waves at them all.

“Anway, so this song made me feel things, quite literally.” Ashton continues and laughs at what he’s said. “I cried in front of my best friend, my bandmate, that dude over there, and he was there to tell me that things were okay, gave me an emotional speech about me, making me cry even more, the bastard.”

“It was supposed to make you feel better!” Calum explained indignantly, and the crowd laughs.

“It did, I swear it did! Which is where we’re headed at now. This is taking too damn long and I just want to shout what I’m trying to say already. Broken Home made me feel things, but Calum Hood made me feel things even _more_. Not sure if it makes sense, but yeah.” Ashton shrugs in the mic, and Calum’s already been expecting it, so why does he have his eyes wide and mouth open, like he totally wasn’t expecting it?

“Every second and every minute with him felt more _real_. Made me look more into things. Made me look more into him. My brain has been telling me for an approximate year that Calum Hood is a beautiful hairless prick. Not only that, but he was the greatest person in the world, an angel in disguise, maybe.”

“Don’t steal that line, it’s from our song!” Luke, who’s now standing in front of his mic, yells before breaking into fits of laughter at the sudden intrusion. Ashton chooses to ignore him.

“Calum was, has, and is always there for me when I felt down. He was there when I broke down to him about my issues. He was there to make me focus on the more positive things in life, to forget the past and focus on the present and look forward to the future, that it’s okay to have fun even if you’re expected to be mature with my age of 22 human years, everything. And the best part?”

Silence. Calum is nearly close to crying.

“Calum Hood made me feel what it’s like to _love_ and _be loved_. And trust me, it was—still is—the best feeling, _ever_. And I never, _never_ want to live this down.” Ashton finally finishes, or that’s how it looks like, now that’s he’s standing up from the kit and slowly ascending to where Calum and the others are. During this, fans were back to their crazy screaming selves, and Calum is subconsciously backing away, his eyes all crinkly and teeth shown for the world to see, and Ashton Irwin is there, walking to where he is, hazel eyes full of fucking adoration and gratefulness.

“So here I am, a year after thinking about the right time to confess this all, standing in front of you, beautiful people, in our home, in my home, in front of the person that’s made me become the man I am now. I’m Ashton Irwin here to profess my undying love for Mister Calum Hood.” Ashton has him by the arm now, and Calum feels like running the whole world screaming or fainting, either of the two sounds very pleasant.

“And we’re Five Seconds of Summer, thank you for attending our wedding ceremony!” Michael yells into the mic, and everyone is laughing.

Ashton turns completely to Calum, intense stare and his mic in his lips as he says it out loud, for everyone to hear, “I love you. Thank you.”

That does it for Calum. It’s like Ashton’s words were the key to releasing that dam behind his eyes and now he’s flooding his face with salty tears. But he’s smiling. So everything’s beautiful.

“Never have I ever thought I would finally have the chance to see my best friend—before these two came—cry with so much happiness and joy. You deserve it, Cal. Congrats!” Michael grins at him and raises a fist up as if to prove his point. Everyone is clapping and smiling and screaming, hell, most of them are crying, and Calum’s glad he isn’t the only one.

Calum’s busy rubbing his eyes to stop the tears from falling when Ashton does it. Albeit shakily, the drummer goes to wrap Calum in his arms, wrapping the bassist up in the most comfortable way possible with two sweating men.

“Awwwwww. Look at them, Luke. Look at them.” Michael can be heard cooing, his voice being drowned by the screams. Luke replies with a cheeky, “Want me to cuddle you too, Michael?” which intensifies the screams, but Calum doesn’t give a shit. All that matters is that he’s here, in the arms of his best friend and maybe unofficial-official boyfriend, knowing his feelings are reciprocated.

“How does it feel?” Ashon mumbles in his ear with the mic away from his mouth.

Calum giggles, like a fucking schoolgirl, and replies, “Feels good. Real good. Been waiting for years, Ashy.”

“I’m sorry for making you wait. Must have felt like shit when you saw me with girls, huh?” Ashton asks while rubbing his back comfortingly. It’s amazing how they’re in a place full of people, but it feels like they’re not. Calum doesn’t even know what Luke and Michael are doing right now. They’re probably entertaining the fans or something.

“Not really. But yeah, it was there. I managed, and that’s all that matters. Plus, you love me so that covers all the hardships.” Calum says, sniffing one last time and looking at Ashton and giving him the widest and cutest grin he could ever give.

Which probably worked, because Ashton is giggling at his face and is leaning in and giving him a kiss on the forehead. It probably didn’t go unnoticed from the eyes of the fans, because now, he can hear the screams lasting for more than ten seconds, which is a lot of oxygen, and when Ashton pulls away, his hazel eyes are almost close to shining and he's all smiles and _fuck, Calum loves him so much._

He remembers he hasn’t said anything yet so he grabs Ashton’s mic, looks at him and the fans around them, breathes and says with so much seriousness, “I love you too, Ashton.”

The fans’ reactions and Ashton’s face will not be going out of his brain anytime soon. He’s probably going to write a song about this one, too. It depends, really.

Calum’s never felt like he wanted to write for the next album so badly.

(And if the gig ends with them not being able to perform most of their songs, it’s okay. Because Calum knows he and his band just made their fans’ nights, again, and probably forever. And if he heads backstage with Ashton holding his hand and being sweet and cuddly, that’s more than okay. It’s now safe to say that Calum _loves_ his job so fucking much, that he wouldn’t replace it for _anything_ in the world.)

**Author's Note:**

> i still have no idea why i'm doing this, but i hope you all liked it! although i don't sound like it, i really enjoyed writing this. trust me. i stay up on school days for this. and now i'm posting this when it's almost two in the morning. yay.


End file.
